


I’ve Got Big Balls

by PrinxOfTheFlamingHeart



Category: The Two Princes (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-29 14:39:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19402372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinxOfTheFlamingHeart/pseuds/PrinxOfTheFlamingHeart
Summary: Stuck at the top of a tower with other teens and two sleeping chaperones, Prince Rupert finds his mouth getting him into trouble. Not one to back down from a challenge, Rupert shows off a particular skill he picked up. (Pre-canon, 15-yo)





	I’ve Got Big Balls

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kharti](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kharti/gifts).



> For Kharti, who correctly assumed I would love the podcast and who dearly wants this fandom to grow and thrive.

A stargazing party. Where his mother came up with such an odd idea, Rupert hadn’t a clue. Let alone why she would be okay with ten young men and ten young women occupying the same small tower with only two chaperones. The Chamberlain already sounded sleepy, for heaven’s sake! And the eldest of her handmaidens, a truly matronly woman twice Lavinia’s age, was known for falling sleep at dinner. 

Twenty young people locked in a tower with two sleepy chaperones overnight. It was like asking for a scandal. And when several of those in attendance included squires of various knights who hadn’t even spoken to a girl in years? Well, a scandal would almost be preferable. Certainly better than the hellishly awkward gender-segregation that divided the room at the moment. 

Somehow, Rupert found himself more at ease with the young ladies he at least saw around the castle. Lady Amelia was a childhood friend. They’d managed at least pained smiles from across the refreshments table. Squire Zachary, on the other hand, was staring at the girls so blatantly, as if he’d never seen such a creature, that they’d steered well clear of all the boys. 

“Zachary, please stop staring and try to smile,” Rupert said in a voice that sounded strikingly like his mother. 

“I’m sorry, Your Highness, I just didn’t know they looked like that.” Rupert looked back across to the young ladies and half expected one of them to have sprouted horns and wings since he last looked. Instead, he saw Amelia trying desperately to strike up a gaggle of girls in conversation. The group seemed intent to stop and look back every few sentences, in a way that intimidated even the oldest, hardiest squire. 

“Looked like what? Women? They’re not animals, Zachary. They’re just like you and me.” Rupert reaches for his goblet and took a sip of water. 

“Yeah, except they’re much prettier than us,” Zachary said, “not that you’re not pretty, your highness.” 

Rupert snorted, the surprise comment catching him at a bad time as he choked on his drink. Hastily grabbing a handkerchief to dry himself, Rupert laughed. The sound naturally attracted attention from the girl’s side. 

Frustrated at the interruption, Amelia finally snapped. “What is so funny, Rupert?”

Several girls hissed, “Prince Rupert!” at her. She waved them off and held Rupert in her gaze. 

It was already to late for him and Amelia to fall into anything except perhaps a comfortable marriage of friendship. Nothing of the kind of love either of them were after. So Rupert decided to use all of his mother’s lessons and at least put up a good act to show up the manlier types. 

“Well, Squire Zachary here just told me the best joke I think I’ve heard all night, maybe all week!” He felt a small twinge of guilt throwing Zachary under the horse like this, but then remembered several still-healing bruises from their last sparring session. 

Every eye in the room shifted onto Zachary, who looked very much like a deer spotting the hunting hounds. After a moment, Zachary regained his composure and took up a posture that reminded Rupert strikingly of someone else. Someone he couldn’t place at the moment. 

“Your Highness is too generous. I simply said that girls were pretty, although it seems His Highness is immune to your collective charms.” Rupert had to hand it to Zachary for such quick thinking. The prince wouldn’t have thought him capable. 

Amelia noticed Rupert’s appraising silence and did some quick thinking of her own. “Nonsense, Rupert...oh hush! I’ve known him since we were in diapers. He’s gawked at plenty of ladies,” she said, turning to glare at the girls still reprimanding her familiarity. “He dances better than you steel-clad lot and doesn’t trample toes with his heavy boots. A true credit to his gender, at any party, play or ball.”

Zachary leaned against the table and shrugged. “I’ve got no interest in balls. Dreadfully boring.”

Amelia turned her nose up expertly. “Our Kingdom’s balls are the envy of the world.”

“I certainly don’t envy His Highness’s balls.” Zachary turned back and smiled as his fellow squires guffawed. The crass humor wasn’t lost on Amelia and the girls, but neither was it appreciated. “Although I’m sure you love helping His Highness at any event. With parties, plays...and with his balls.”

Rupert grew red with embarrassment. The casual coarseness had gone over the line, in his mind. “Squire Zachary, I’ll thank you kindly to keep my balls out of your mouth. They’re much too big for you to handle, anyway.”

This did get the approval of both sides of the party. Even Amelia. Zachary looked sullen, his crudeness flung back in his face. 

“Don’t envy my friendship, either, I’ve seen him eat mud,” Amelia added, deciding to deflate Rupert’s ego before his head got bigger than his, well...

This got another laugh from around the room. Rupert pouted. “Amelia I was three. And you were the one making mud pies and insisting that I eat them.”

Amelia rolled her eyes and sidled up to Rupert’s left. “See, His Highness would eat mud to please a lady.”

“I’d hardly call you a lady—oof!” The sudden sharp pain in his toe cut his words short. 

Amelia was the picture of innocence. “I’m terribly sorry, Your Highness, how dreadfully clumsy of me to bash your toes with my heels. Which, by the way, are quite uncomfortable. Certainly there must be some way out of the tower?”

Rupert looked to where their ‘chaperones’ sat, snoring as they leaned against the wall. 

“Certainly you wouldn’t want to miss the shooting stars?” He said, unconvincingly. 

Zachary called from the window. “If Your Highness would look outside, one might see that there is a storm moving in. Seems to be coming from out of the forest. Without the windows, we’ll all be drenched soon.”

“It just so happens that I have a particular set of skills,” Rupert said, suddenly getting a monumentally stupid idea. But, well, how else would he impress a lady? Not Amelia, naturally, she’d seen him eat mud. But there were quite a few striking beauties in the bunch. Including one who seemed particularly fixated, but unable to express herself at all. Cecilia? Or was it Cece? 

“Don’t tell me you’ve been learning how to pick locks?” Amelia drawled, trying her best to not sound mildly impressed. 

“Yes, but no, I don’t have my tools with me. I can climb walls,” Rupert announced proudly. 

Zachary snorted his drink this time. “You’re having us on! No way would you climb all the way down the outside of this bloody tower!”

Rupert laughed, confident in the moment. “Oh no, of course not. Merely down to the next window and onto the staircase below. Then I can simply unlock the door from the outside and ta-da!” He punctuated the final word with jazz hands. 

“Well get on with it before it gets wet and you break your Royal neck!” Zachary said, intent on calling this bluff. “Go on! Or are your Royal Balls tinier than you boasted?”

Rupert hopped onto the window ledge. It was wide and tall enough to stand in with extra room. Even part of the roof had been folded back to allow a greater field of view. Some of the ladies and even a few squires cried out for him to stop, but he simply turned back to face them with a jaunty smile and stepped backwards. He caught himself on the ledge easily enough and looked up at the astonished and appalled young folk brave enough to peer over the ledge. 

Rupert noted with amusement that while Amelia looked over with concern, Zachary seemed to be nowhere near the ledge. 

“When did you learn to do this?” Amelia asked.

“Remember that costume party where mother dressed me as a fairy?” Rupert asked in return.

Zachary’s voice came over the ledge. “Yeah, I’d probably jump off a ledge too.”

Amelia sighed. “You will be alright, won’t you?”

Rupert laughed and tapped the protruding support stones. “No worries, these stones are as solid as—oops!”

A piece of stonework broke away, but Rupert had his toes on a bit of stonework that wasn’t quite flush but wasn’t quite ledge. Deftly, he switched over to a sturdier handhold. 

Amelia and the ladies screeched. As they turned back to see him still holding on, Amelia’s fist pounded the window ledge. “No oops!”

“Yes, Amelia, I agree. Give me just a moment.” He inched his way across and then down. He hung by his hands for the last bit before swinging into a wider arrow-slit that he was still slim enough to slip through. He thought he heard a cheer above him and he felt immensely pleased with himself. If this whole prince thing didn’t work out, he felt quite confident he could be a great thief. 

As he approached the door from the other side, he heard a creaky voice he was not prepared for. The cheer had woken the Chamberlain. 

“Where is Prince Rupert?” The Chamberlain asked immediately. The silence that fell afterwards was almost louder than the cheering that preceded it. 

Sighing, Rupert opened the bolt on the door, removed the bar and flipped two latches. Apparently his mother really wanted this to be private. Opening the door, Rupert waved. 

The Chamberlain’s expression went through quite a metamorphosis. Eyes wide, brow raised, glancing back and forth between the open observation window and Rupert in the doorway. His brow creased, furrowed, raised again and furrowed once more. His mouth gaped open and closed, turning into various shapes between slack-jawed and lips firmly pressed together. Finally, he put both hands over his face and took a deep breath. He muttered something that sounded faintly like ‘unbelievable idiot’ and then sighed. When his hands came back down, his expression returned to neutrality. 

He turned away and addressed the squires in the room. “There seems to be a storm moving in. Would you squires be so kind as to smash the door to bits. I wouldn’t like to be the one to have to explain how the door was opened, otherwise.”

The squires looked at each other and then the ledge. Finally, they turned back to the Chamberlain and nodded. Prince Rupert stepped out of the way as the door was quickly broken to bits with nothing more than the squires’ fists and steel toed boots. 

“I shall need to swear all in this room to secrecy, of course. Officially, I saw the storm and ordered the squires to break the door down before our party was ruined. Is that clear and easy to remember?” Everyone nodded, even the Queen’s handmaiden who finally woke up to the sounds of breaking wood. “Prince Rupert, you and I shall return to your room at once. The rest of you, Hilda will see to it that you are sorted into two rooms to sleep in for the night. You are all dismissed.”

With a chorus of ‘yes, sirs,’ the group departed, leaving Rupert, the Chamberlain, and curiously, Zachary. The Chamberlain fixed the young squire with a hard glare. “Young sir Zachary, I believe you heard my order?”

“Yes, sir, only I have something to say in His Highness’ defense. I put him up to it and egged him on, sir. I didn’t believe he could do it on account of how poorly His Highness does in Sir Percy’s classes. His Highness is stronger than I expected. Even so, it is my sworn duty, or very soon will be, to defend him. And I and the other squires failed in that duty by allowing His Highness to risk his life.”

On a night of unexpected occurrences, this was perhaps the least expected turn of events. Rupert always thought of the squires as nothing more than meatheads and bullies who served even bigger, bullying meatheads. 

“Why, then, are the other squires not here as you are, offering their own apologies?” Chamberlain asked. “Why risk your own position to spare the prince some punishment?”

Zachary glanced at Rupert, his face suddenly flushed. He looked back down at his steel-capped shoes. “I know my duty, sir.”

“Well said,” said Sir Percy, who stepped over the ruined door and surveyed the room. “And as such you will be punished for the Prince’s transgressions.”

“Sir Percy, no, I mean, please,” Rupert began, but Percy glared at him until he fell silent. 

Chamberlain folded his arms. “Who told?”

Percy shrugged. “I came across the squires leaving the party. I simply heard the rest as I walked up the stairs.”

Turning to Zachary, it occurred to Rupert finally that Zachary was Percy’s own squire. There was quite a long way to fall down in disgrace. 

“Sir Percy, I plead for your forgiveness,” Rupert began, but Percy held up a hand. 

“I am not without mercy, boy. I don’t know exactly how the squires failed, but as he alone stayed behind to answer for your misdeeds, I shall be lenient. Kitchen duty for a month, Zachary, in addition to your regular duties. The others will be assigned to stables and latrine, so count your blessings that His Highness seems to favor you.” Turning back to glance at Rupert and the Chamberlain, Percy smirked. “Or was it he fancies you?”

Rupert caught the implication and balked. “No sir, Zachary and I aren’t, well at least I’m, I mean...We’re not attracted to each other. We’re not even friends, especially before tonight.”

“Zachary?” Sir Percy lifter the boy’s chin and showed Rupert Zachary’s tear-filled eyes. “Control yourself, lad.”

Zachary turned away and rubbed his face. “Sorry sir, I was overcome by your generosity. I’ll gladly accept any punishment, sir.”

“To your room, then, both of you.” Percy turned to regard both boys and then turned to leave. Stepping over the broken door again, Percy turned back and glared at the Chamberlain. Chamberlain gazed back dispassionately and finally Percy left. 

“Young Sir Zachary, Prince Rupert, it is quite late enough already,” Chamberlain said. 

“I’m sorry, Zachary,” Rupert started, stepping toward the silent squire. 

“Please stay away from me, Your Highness. I’ve had enough of your...favor.” With that, Zachary turned and left. 

Rupert felt devastated, although he wasn’t entirely sure why. Turning to the Chamberlain, he shrugged, “I don’t understand.”

“Perhaps you will. Or you already do. But that is not a matter for tonight. Bed, Your Highness.” The Chamberlain took hold of Rupert’s shoulders and steered him towards the stairs.


End file.
